On March 25, 2023, my life changed forever. My daughter was born in the early hours of the morning. The next day, we brought her home: a tiny, squishy, floppy, wrinkly wiggle-monster in need of constant attention. A few days in, her mom in the shower, I ran out of things to say and do while holding her and hoping she would fall asleep, so I started to make up stories to tell her.
She was not amused. She wasn’t particularly anything, of course, not having more than a few days’ exposure to the concept of language… or, like, breathing.
Seven months later, I’ve gone through highs and lows and learned a great deal about myself in the process. I still return to these stories when crinkly paper or jingling teethers lose her attention. The stories still don’t help her, but they do kind of help me, so I’m writing them down, mostly so I will remember them. Maybe one day she will find them as enjoyable as I do, but I’m not counting on it.
Here are a few.
And That’s Why Unicorns…
Once upon a time, there was a tiny baby who lived in a magic forest.
The forest had beavers, and elephants, and cheetahs, and orangutans.
And the forest also had unicorns.
As everyone knows, unicorns have big pointy horns that stick up into the sky on their heads. And unicorns are proud of their horns, so they walk tall with their heads in the air, showing off their unicorn horns.
But unicorns who lived in the magic forest with the tiny baby would walk through the forest with their heads in the air…
… and their horns would get stuck in the branches and vines hanging down from the trees in the forest!
And as everyone knows, unicorns think very highly of themselves, and only rarely about other creatures at all. So the unicorns in the magic forest with the tiny baby ordered all the trees in the forest to be cut down.
And that’s why nobody likes unicorns!
And That’s Why Rhinoceroses…
Once upon a time, there was a tiny baby who lived in a magic forest.
And the magic forest had unicorns, and beavers, and meerkats, and a river that flowed to the ocean, where some whales lived.
And the magic forest also had rhinoceroses.
As everyone knows, rhinoceroses have big pointy horns that stick up into the sky on their heads. And rhinoceroses are kind and thoughtful, and not in the least bit selfish.
So the rhinoceroses who lived in the magic forest with the tiny baby stand very still, so that their horns don’t get caught up in the branches and vines that hang down from the trees.
But rhinoceroses also have very bad eyesight!
So when the unicorns in the magic forest with the tiny baby ordered all of the trees to be cut down, the rhinoceroses didn’t know they weren’t in a forest anymore.
And that’s why, whenever you see a picture of a rhinoceros, they’re always standing still in the middle of a field.
Sometimes, though, in the pictures you will see a little bird perched on the rhinoceros. And sometimes that little bird lets the rhinoceros know what has happened to the forest, that it has been cut down, and that they are in a field.
And when the rhinoceros learns this, it knows it can run around without fear of its horn getting stuck in any branches or vines, because there are no trees for branches or vines to hang from. But the rhinoceros is also frustrated that it has been standing still for so long when it could have been running, and sad about the forest being cut down.
And that’s why, whenever you see a rhinoceros running, it looks angry.
And That’s Why Beavers…
Once upon a time, there was a tiny baby who lived in a magic forest.
And the magic forest had unicorns, and rhinoceroses, and capybaras, and meerkats.
And the magic forest also had beavers.
As everyone knows, beavers are very hard-working, and they are expert lumberjacks. So when the unicorns in the magic forest with the tiny baby ordered the magic forest to be cut down, they contracted with the beavers to remove the trees.
But beavers also have big, flat tails! And those tails get caught in strong currents, making it dangerous for beavers to swim in rivers, where they might get swept away.
So when the beavers went to deposit the logs they had harvested from the forest in the river, they were afraid to go into the water.
The beavers pushed the logs into the river and watched from the shore as the logs floated away through the valley, to be swept out to sea, where a friendly whale was waiting for them.
But at the bottom of the valley, the river got very narrow. The beavers who lived in the magic forest with the tiny baby didn’t know this, because they refused to travel the river for fear of being swept away by their tails in the strong current.
The river got so narrow, in fact, that the logs got stuck and piled up and up and up until they blocked the river’s flow, and a lake formed behind them.
And the beavers in the magic forest with the tiny baby saw what had happened, and they learned from it.
And that is why beavers build dams: so they can swim about freely, without fear of getting swept away by their big flat tails.
And That’s Why…
From the sound of my baby monitor, naptime is just about over, and that’s why the stories about elephants, capybaras, narwhals, and more will have to wait until next time.